Rejecteddddddddd

*Its a party in the USA*

"Hello gorgeous girl!"
"Stacie, am I a reject??"
"No! You're the coolest girl on the block! This is why we are best friends haha. What brought this on for you to ask such a thing Carla??"
"I was rejected... again..."
"By who?!?!?!"
"Must you ask?"
"Carla, if he is stupid enough to not have you, then be smart enough to get him out of your head!"
"He is so right for me though..."
"Obviously not!!"
"I want a boyfriend! Why is it that every guy who likes me are losers or just not my type and I repel all the ones that I want?? It really doesn't make sense to me! Its like I have a magnet on my forehead that says SOUTH and all the ones that I want also have SOUTH and all the NORTHs I'm just not interested in, but they are interested in me... I cant believe that after the first time he rejected me, I thought that he wouldn't this time round! I am a reject! I get rejecteddddddd by my crush, always. Stacie, I can feel the tears wanting to stream down."
"Just give me a minute and I'll be right over and we are going candle stick bowling and then to the DQ!"
"You know how much I hate candle stick bowling! And I'm too fat for the DQ..."
"Yes but we alway leave bowling laughing our heads off and Jeremy works there and he is definitely some yummy eye candy!"
"Haha Oh Stacie!!!! What would I do without you? Who needs a boyfriend if I've got you??"
"Its what I keep telling ya! And by the way, I'm already outside!"

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Don't we all need a best friend like that????

pic credit

First Time I Felt Cruel....

I have 3 of my cousins visiting from America. The little one is 4 years old and his name is Grant. But every time I look at Grant, I see Dustin!

Dustin is from my childhood. I had moved to Gibbs Elementary when I was in 5th grade. Dustin wasn't in my class, his brother was, but I had met him during recess or something I'm assuming. The moment Dustin saw me, he was in love.
I was not.
I still liked Cory Lynn from my old school.
My little brother and I had a meeting point after school where we would wait for our older brother to come and walk with us home. I was usual out first and our older brother was usually there when we go out. On the last day of school, my older brother was not there yet and my little brother was already at the meeting point. At the meeting point as well, was Dustin. He was talking to my little brother having a laugh with him. Watching Dustin being so kind to my little brother, my feelings for him changed. I decided that he wasn't a bad boy (I heard he was) and I started liking him.
But it was summer, I would not see him for about 3 months.
I was shocked for how often I thought of him during that summer. I claimed I never liked him, but I guess that changed. I would take the year book and just stare at Dustin's photo.
Finally school started and I would see Dustin! =]
But then something happened, not long into the school year, I didn't like him anymore. I think it was bc he was being suspended about every other week. I decided that actually, he was a bad boy, and I don't like bad boys!
He's feelings for me didn't change though. He still loved me. I would hear rumors that him and his brother would get in fist fights over me. I would just roll my eyes- neither would have me! What then was the point to the fight??
Dustin was the first boy to give me a love letter! He would write me one just about every day.
Lots of boys were giving me love letters when Dustin was giving them to me as well, but all the other boys would either leave it on my desk, in my locker, or get a friend to give it to me. I then admired Dustin for personally handing me a love letter every day. I learned that it took guts. In 6th grade, I loved getting the letters from him, even though I would always deny it. It was more than just letters too. Dustin was an amazing artist and he would dram me pictures. I loved those! I remember this one he did that was Bugs Bunny and the girl bunny- whatever her name is. They were looking at each other and there were hearts in between them. it was my favorite drawing that he drew for me!
By the time 7th grade came, I didn't like Dustin whatsoever. I no longer liked getting the love letters. There were rumors all the time that we were dating, were an item, and there were even rumors that we had lost our virginity with each other in the bathroom at school and that we had wild crazy sex all the time!!! That couldn't have been farther from the truth!!!!! I am a Latter Day Saint who not only doesn't believe in sex before marriage, we don't even believe in dating till 16!! Dustin and I were 13! Thats just gross!
I heard that Dustin was the one who was saying all of these things. I confronted him about it. He told me it wasn't him, but I was never sure. Lots of people liked Dustin and without fail, every day some one would ask me if I was his girlfriend and every day I had so no! It was a no, No, NO!!!!!!!!!!
But still, about every day, he would hand me a love letter either before school started or after school when we were waiting for the bus.
I did not like the letters.
I told him not to write me- I didn't want them- I didn't like him- I didn't want him!
Weeks and weeks would go by and I still got the letters.
One day I got so angry when he tried to give me a love letter. I had say no for goodness sake! So to prove a point, I ripped up the letter then threw it in his face! I just stared at him when he looked at the love letter fall to the floor. He looked up and I can almost swear that his eyes were wet. I had never before seen such a hurt and sad face. A face that I had caused.
It was the first time I felt cruel.....
I still got love letters from him, he still drew for me, but it wasn't as often.
I didn't know if I was happy or sad about it.
Summer before 8th grade I moved. I couldn't apologise.

For years, this had bugged me. I was cruel and I'm never cruel. I was mean and I'm never mean. I had done wrong.
I tried to find him for years to apologise, but it turned out that he also moved and no one knew where.
Myspace came out. I hoped and prayed that he had one. Ever couple of months I would try to find a Dustin Engle. Turns out there were a lot more of them than I thought!!!
Facebook came out- I would try this as well. Every couple of months, I would try to find him. I had to say sorry!!! I tried to find his brother as well. If I could find his brother, I would find him!
Failure is the word to use. I never found him. I was sad. I was remorseful. I had to say sorry!
Then one day out of the blue, after I had given up finding him, I got a friend request- it was Dustin!!!!!!
He didn't hate me! We actually spoke on the phone a couple of times and we email here and there nowadays. We are friends. How happy I am that he found me, when I was looking for him for all those years.

When I look at Grant, I see Dustin. By seeing Dustin, I have been walking through memory lane a lot. Three years, if not more, Dustin loved me. Three years I was not nice to him- only God knows why he loved me the way he did. I did not deserve his love. Today I can't get Dustin's face out of my head. The face he did when I ripped up the letter. The first time I felt cruel. I am so sorry Dustin. No one deserves being hurt like that!

(my favorite pic of Dustin)

Always Close Enough

You see me
I see you
You look away
I look at you
Your eyes wander my way
Mine never left you

You act like I'm not here
I act like its just me and you
You're the life of the party
I sit in the corner

Yet you still look my way
You're always close enough to hear me
You're always close enough to touch me
You're always close enough to say hi

You know- if you did,
I'd say hi back
Just talk to me.
I know you want to...

Two Sides

I feel like love is all around me with lots of my friends getting married, having kids, engagements, finding a special someone, etc, but yet it’s not in my life. All the love I once had was sucked right out of me when my heart was shattered… I once had so much love to give and now I fee like it is lost forever!

I love watching serious chick flicks! They have such a passionate love- one to last through the ages of time. All is possible with the love of the other. I’ve seen it happen!

But on the other hand, I have trouble seeing it. I look around and I see broken hearts- with mine included- broken homes, and broken families. Where did the love disappear to? Why do we live in such a world of hate and war and selfishness and greed amongst ourselves? How can you love in such a place? How can I find a kind heart good enough to love? Those that do love, where did they find it in such a hateful world where we are told and taught- you don’t need love, you just need yourself and look good!

I have truly loved twice and I lost it twice. A love to last into the eternities is what I thought. I was mistaken.

I long to be married, I long to love and be loved. And you know, I see couples everywhere. I don’t know if they are happy or not, but they look happy. I see families with little ones. I see babies and a mothers love. I see strong friendships. And I see me, alone and watching, wondering.

One hand- love and happiness.

Other hand- brokenness and sadness.

I stand in the middle of two sides…

More Intimate than a Kiss

So call me crazy but I think that holding hands is so much more intimate than a kiss. Just hear me out. So really, to be intimate just means that you wouldn't do it to anyone. For example, wiping someones tears. To wipe someones tears is very intimate. You wouldn't just go up to a stranger and wipe their tears, you might give then a hug or a Kleenex, but you would not physically wipe their tears. 

Just like holding hands! You wouldn't go up to a stranger and hold their hand. And for the most part, you don't just hold hands for a moment, you hold hands for hours at a time! That would just be awkward to do with a stranger! 

Then there is the difference between sex, making love and f****n. Sure, you have sex on a one night stand, but you don't make love on a one night stand. Out of the three, you are only intimate in one- when you make love; the other two are just for fun with no meaning. So there you go, you won't make love to anyone, you make love TO the one you love because that is intimate.

A kiss is then like sex on a one night stand. You can do it to anyone and have it be meaningless. It lasts only for a moment. A peck is like half a second long and a french, a little longer! But to hold hands. See, that, you do for hours and it means something! It means you belong to someone! It is intimate.

So do you still want to call me crazy for thinking that holding hands is more intimate than a kiss?

No idea....

It all started with one sentence....

Then it became two....

And now,

He has no idea!

He has no idea of all the hurt I feel

He has no idea of how often he has stabbed my heart

He has no idea that he even stabbed my heart

He has no idea how many water droplets have escaped my eyes

He has no idea that I dream of him every night

He has no idea that I think of him all day- good thoughts and bad

He has no idea that he has tortured me everyday

He has no idea of how much I miss him

He has no idea of how much I love him

He has no idea that I want to still be with him
He has no idea how devoted I am to him

He has no idea that I am still alive

He has no idea that I am alive in person, yet my soul has died

He has no idea that I can't live without him

He has no idea of how I feel

He has no idea of anything

I am left alone to hear those two sentences over and over again

"Don't come back for me"

"I'm dating someone"

"Don't come back for me"

"I'm dating someone"

"Don't come back for me"

"I'm dating someone"

I am left alone

to be alone...........

Love Glows

"You were my most real and surreal relationship that I've ever had! You were so real in the way that I felt I knew you so well! We understood each other perfectly! I knew all your faces and all your moods and I knew what you were thinking, cuz I was thinking the same thing! You were so surreal in the fact that whenever I saw you, I was floating on air. It always felt like I was in a dream when you were near me. Whenever you just looked at me, that was all there was, you and me and the world around us just disappeared into nothing. There was no one or nothing around except our love!!! You were the closest thing to perfect that I could ever ask for and you were more than I could have dreamed for!" 


I have a friend that told me that he wished that people would glow when they were in love. (This was after we just watched Stardust). He thought it would be cool. I found this comment interesting and I replied to this comment, "People do! No you might not see is like Stardust, but people definitely do glow! You can see it on their face."


The quote is what a friend of mine said to her ex-boyfriend. There was a reason they couldn't be together, but you know what, they had it! They had that special love that you only see in movies! Everyone thought that they were soul mates because of this reason; the glow that radiated from them! If you saw them, you could see the love they had for each other all around them and it was said that you could cut it with a knife it was so thick! Haha, I think someone tried once actually! ;D


So I am here to tell you that, love glows! Love definitely glows! There is no denying it! You just have to use your spiritually eyes, not your naked eyes!
 ♥

Still Pray for you

I spoke to my ex-fiance several months after we had broken up. He wanted to see how I was doing/ coping, even though I was the one that broke it off. He had told me 3 days after I dumped him that he was over me. I knew he was in denial, but that is what he believed and I was not to start yet another fight. So when he called me several months after and we spoke, for whatever reason, he said "I still pray for you every night." I laughed in my head and bit my tongue to not laugh in his face! I thought it was silly! I stopped praying for him the day it was over between us! Why was he still praying for me so many months later? And why pray for me if you are over me?

I dated someone after my ex-fiance. So then of course, he was in my daily prayers. We never broke up, we 'parted ways' is what he called it. We wanted to be together, but something didn't allow us to be. It has been many months since we slipt and I find myself still praying for him every night.

In one of my prayers, I asked God, "Why do I still pray for him if he doesn't know I exist any longer? He hasn't given me a second thought and now that he is with someone else, he never will. Why do I still pray for him??" Then that phone call with my ex-fiance came to mind. I still loved and cared for my ex-boyfriend just like my ex-fiance still cared about me all those months later. Even though my ex-boyfriend is in someone else's arms, all I want is for him to be happy and safe. So I still pray.

I had laughed at my ex-fiance, and many many months later, I found myself doing exactly what I had laughed at. Funny how things work out isn't it? Its for reasons like this, that we should never judge another!

Last Days of Raina

Things looked as if they haven't changed much in this medium sized town of Sweet Bear Creek from what Raina (pronounced as rain-aaa) had seen so far. On her walks she always saw the woman in about her 40s walking 5 yappy little dogs, there was the old scruffy looking man with a grey bread that went to his bellybutton riding on the same bike with the same wagon he pulled on the back. The Flower Man as he was known has been in the same spot for the last 30 odd years selling flowers from his car trunk for cheap. Apparently, the cross walk lady has been there since the beginning of time, that was her first and only job her whole life! She knew everything about everyone! Then of course it was the two moms out running with the strollers.

Raina walked the 30 minutes to work because she did not need to drive before where she came from. Even though she was brought up in a small town called Hartville where there was two elementary school, one middle school, and one very small high school. There was one class per grade. Haha, she had the same kids in her class from kindergarten-6th grade! After that she moved to a big city where they had public transport. But not here in this town of Sweet Bear Creek. Raina had been here for several months and thought that maybe she should just get a licence now, but why if she liked the 30 minute walk? It was good exercise and a good way for her to clear her head. She often thought of how Sweet Bear Creek got its name. She wanted to go to the library to find out, but had yet to find where it was.

Today Raina was walking to work. She worked at the only chain that she has seen so far called Catalina's Bar and Grill. It is because of Catalina's that she ended up here, in the good ol' Sweet Bear Creek! She had recently broken up with her fiance of three years only six weeks before the wedding and she needed a change in scenery with new faces. No memories that way! She wasn't a fan of this particular store of Catalina's. The people were rude and didn't like that she was from the city, even though she was a real small town girl at heart. This one was smaller compared to the city- no surprise there, but so Raina felt cramped all the time and seeing as she didn't like, like anyone at this store, to be cramped with them was not her idea of fun! To make matter worse, it had rain in the night and there were puddles everywhere that she was trying to avoid but missed. Wet socks going to work was a guarantee to a bad day and she was already guaranteed a bad day at work. Comes with the territory of being the newbie!

This day at work was slightly different. Yes people were rude to her like normal and yes she couldn't find something and yes, she got yelled at with minutes from the manager, yes, all that was the same, but she saw a new face today. His name was Aiden. Funny looking guy with a goofy smile. He just stood there bobbing his head around. I was a trainer at my old store and wondered if I would train people at this one. Probably not, but I liked to train people and show them the ropes. That meant that they were trained right, they were trained good, and they would respect me from day one.

Raina did not train Aiden and was glad for that! O my days he was sooo obnoxious! He was a smoker, loud, a boy toy, and he already had a big head, but that was nothing compared to how big of a head he had with his ego! Everyone swore he thought he was a god of some sort. Nope! Raina did not like Aiden! Not in the slightest!

After some weeks Raina had somewhat gotten used to Aiden. He was still obnoxious, but as it would turn out, even tho he was super loud at work, he was actually a real good listener. He had never worked at Catalina's before so he didn't care that Raina came from another store. He was the nicest one to her other than Erika. Erika and Raina were soul sisters! Love at first sight so to speak. Now, they understood each other. Sadly though, their shifts where the exact opposite so they hardly saw each other. Nope, Raina and Aiden were the ones with the same shift, so they ended up become best of friends, only because of that one day where Raina was crying in the walk in cooler and Aiden had come in to comfort her. That changed everything. Aidan was well like and to most, loved actually. He was the star of the store! That helped people there like Raina, because Aiden liked her. So work became much better for Raina, and her life did as well.

Raina and Aiden come from different planets! They are so opposite in almost every way. There was an odd attraction that started to show in the two. The attraction was almost instinct with Aiden when he saw Raina. For Raina, it took a little longer. After all, she did not want to date. She needed time to heal from the 3 year engagement that amount to nothing but hurt. Some more time had past and Raina found herself completely falling for Aiden

They ended up the happiest of couples. So in love you could see and and cut it with a knife! Never had you seen two people in love like these two! No one could understand how they could be together being so opposite. But Raina would always say "When night and day come together, don't they make the most gorgeous sunrises and sunsets?" That was the only way to describe it! Raina and Aiden, somehow, they could see the other, but not just see them physically, they could see each other! They could just look into each other eyes and see the soul of the other. They knew everything there was to know, they knew the soul, and they exchanged hearts and that was that! The most perfect and purest love known to mankind.

Raina's brother had fallen very ill. His wife had died in childbirth and all he had was his daughter Cecilia. Raina's brother was going to the hospital and needed help. So of course, Raina being the big sister, would come to the rescue! She would be there for 5 months looking after Cecilia. But Aiden did not like the sound of this when she told him that she got the ticket and was leaving in a few weeks. O how Aiden saw his world crash down before his eyes. His love, his soul mate, was leaving for 6 months. As silly as it sounds, when Raina would be leaving, they themselves would have only been together for 6 months. Could he wait for his true love for 6 months, if that was as long as they have been together? He thought that she was his true love, but did he believe it? That was the real question!

Aiden was Raina's first; she gave all she had to him; her heart, her soul, and even her body. It all belonged to him. For her, the answered seemed easy. They had a rare form of love, a true love, and therefore, you would wait a life time for the other, right? Be like Robin Hood and Maid Marian!

It was a cold night. Aiden and Raina snuggled next to each other for warmth and comfort. This was the last night they would be together. Aiden told Raina that he didn't know if he could wait. She knew, she saw in his soul that he wanted them to be together, but also saw so much hurt. She would be leaving and there was nothing he could do about it. But she had to, who else would take care of Cecilia, after all she was only 3! It was just a long vacation! They laid next to each staring into each others eyes. He kissed her softly on the forehead, next on the cheek. She kissed him passionately on the lips. They started to make love for the last time. She looked deep into his soul and said so earnestly, "Aiden, tell me that you love me." He replied with a simple 'I love you', "No" Raina said, "say it like you mean it, like the very first time you told me you loved me." Looking back into her soul, he said, with such passion and intensity, "Raina, I love you more than anything and more than I have ever loved before. You will have the most special place in my heart. You are my best friend and I will ALWAYS love you!" As tears began to stroll down his face, he started to wipe hers that had starting falling a long time ago. So gently she whispered, "Then wait for me Aiden, wait for me. . . then I will never ever leave you again! Please Aiden, I love you more than I even knew was possible. If you love me, wait for me!" "6 months is a looooong time Raina." "What is 6 months in the eyes of love??"

In the end, it did not matter if he were to wait or not. That was a decision he did not need to make anymore. There was an accident and she died before she even got to her brother's house.

So who now would take care of Cecilia? And would Aiden ever forgive himself, for letting the love of his life, mount the plane, not knowing if he would be there when she were to return. She died questioning if he even loved her at all. . . after all, in her eyes, the answer was simple. Why was it such a hard question for him? If you truly love, then wait! She would have waited a lifetime for him. Instead she died with a cracked confused heart. It was not broken, it would only be broken if he did not wait. Now no one knows if he would have or not, not even him. And that was that. The end to a beautiful love, the last days of Raina.

Ring Finger on My Left

So I wear 2 rings. One on my right thumb and one on my middle finger on my left. My hands tend to shrink and therefore I often check to see if my rings are still on. Lately though, for some odd reason that I know not of, instead of checking my middle finger on my left, I keep checking the ring finger, but you see, there is no ring there. . .
I am single and not in a relationship and I tend to stay this way for a long time. I am 'burnt out of love' as many have told me. I keep meaning to look this phrase up to see if its a song title because many have said this same sentence, 'burnt out of love'. Or maybe they all think alike?
But so I ask you this, if I am single and I no longer believe in love, why do I keep going to the ring finger on my left?

Love Affair

Meet my nephew Ethan! He is 2 years old and a funny little goober! You see, certain days, he loves me, and other days, he blanks me! If I baby sit him, he never leaves my side, but if mom is home or at church or anywhere in public, he could care less if I'm there or not.

The funny thing is though, that when its just me and him, he soooo loves me!!! He comes and gives me nothing but hugs and kisses and he loves to sit in my lap! He climbs all over me and just this past week, he kept playing with my hand and then he would hold it. I thought it was so stinkin' adorable! But as soon as mom comes home, I am once again ignore. So I think it is safe to say that Ethan has a secret love affair with me. I just want to know, if he loves me, why does he hide it? Am I not a cool enough aunt for him or what?

"Look back at me!"

*note, do not read if you have not seen “North and South” I don’t want to ruin it for you!

I love when you can see and feel the passion! This goes for movies, songs, people around me, etc.

In this film “North and South” my favorite part is where Margret is leaving the mill in the horse and carriage and Mr. sour face Thornton is above her and he says,

“Look back at me!!!”

He says this with some of the most passion I have ever heard. It’s so sincere and so full of emotion! Will she look back at him? If so, that proves that she really does love him! If she doesn’t, he means nothing to her…. And the waiting for the ‘answer’ he is looking for. I say to myself every time, ‘look back, Look Back! LOOK BACK!’ as im on the edge of my seat.

O this part kills me every time I see the film! I want to cry every time when she doesn’t look back!!! Because she does love him!!! She’s crazy about him!!! But she is so darn stubborn!!!! I want to smack her! Granted, I’m just as stubborn so I don’t have room to say much.

But this part is so worth watching the first 3.5 hours of the film!

Why can’t I see this kind of passion in the world today! Sometimes, I think they knew so much more about love back in the day! They had the passion! I feel that passion is dying out and it makes me sad. I would love if someone spoke to me with the passion that Mr. Thornton speaks to Margret. Ahhh, one day!

Pure You

Did you know that the ‘normal’ person can hide who they are for up to 9 months. After this time, their true colors come forth! So the person you are with, might change at this point and they are no longer who you thought they were, and this is because they aren’t the person you thought, it was an act and you now know who they really are.

Have you seen “Runaway Bride”? I love the part at the end where Maggie explains why she runs or rides away from the groom on the wedding day. She convinced him that she was everything he wanted in a wife, but she really wasn’t who he thought she was and it wouldn’t be fair for either of them. Personally I think that she could have broken up with him sooner than the wedding day, but it makes it a good movie ;D

I admit, I have been there. Not the run away bride part, but the acting part. I wanted to be with this one guy so much that I changed myself so that I would be more ‘suited’ for him. After some time, it became too much. All the pretending and not being the real me; it wasn’t right and I had to end it! It was all for the best.

Many years had past and I was minding my own business so to speak in life and I was doing ok. I became fast friends with this boy at work and we started doing everything together. We had a total blast!!! Never did I have so much fun with the opposite sex before! We hung out, went on dates, flirted at work 24/7, and all in good fun!

Well, as luck would have it, we fell completely and madly in love with each other!!! <3 It was nothing short of complete bliss! This was a mature relationship. The chemistry we had was phenomenal! Being best friends, there was no bull crap, there was no lies, there was no act! Right from the gecko, from “Hi I’m Adam” (handshake) “Emma, howdy!” we only knew the real person.

This was my best and favorite relationship I was in! I didn’t put up a front and he never lied to me. We grew to know and only know the most real and pure self of the other. This is one of the many reason to why we were so happy and lived in a blissful dream!

I wish all relationships started this way. It would end a lot of broken hearts and fights that were unnecessary.

Just be real and keep it real. If you want a good healthy, blissful relationship, show the one you care about or love the pure you and ask it for them.

You are to be with the one that knows the pure you and you know the pure them. It makes life so much easier and gives it so much more meaning. If you can't be the purest you, the relationship isn't worth having. . .  I hope that you will find that person that you can feel that you can be your purest self too and be happy! I know I was =D

Ink from a Pen

So I was a little bit depressed one night and I ended up writing my ex's name on my leg and then I drew my favorite picture of us. I figured if it was on my leg then no one would see it but me. I used to write his name over and over again on a piece of paper and then throw the paper away so when I would see his name, I wouldn't be depressed, it is just a memory now. And if I wrote on myself, I guessed I could just wash it off in the shower and I would be saving ink and Mother Earth.
I woke up the following morning and I looked at my leg and I barely remembered that I had done it. Then I thought to myself, why did I do something so silly?

Then I thought about tattoos! Gosh was I glad it was just ink from a pen and it was not a tattoo!!! I would have been very upset! How in the world could I fix that? We are not together anymore and we never will be together again. We have both moved on... well, he has, I'm a working progress, but I'm getting there! But I thought of all the people that I knew that regretted getting the tattoo that they had for whatever reason. How sad and what a waste. I don't even like tattoos. I find them very unattractive and they never look right. They take away from the natural beauty of you! You know how many tattoos that I see that are either just plain ugly or I only see half of it and wonder what the other half is, or it doesn't match the outfit they are wearing. I always get a kick when I see a good looking guy in a suit and then he has something that makes you think of a biker gang on his hand. It just looks weird!

But anyways, so I wrote on my leg several days ago, apparently it was some heavy duty ink from that pen because I have scrubbed my leg several times and you can still see it. Its faint, but its still there.

I just have to say, that I am very happy that it was just ink from a pen and one day I will forget and it will just be a memory, just like him!

Adam LaManticheli

How do I say goodbye to yesteryear?

In my eyes we had the most perfect love. An infinite love. One that was better than you ever could dream of.

One look from Adam and my breath stops in my chest and for a moment I cant breathe. Just one sound of his voice or his whistling and I feel myself floating on air. Just seeing the name Adam and a smile instantly comes upon my face. One touch from him and stars enter my eyes.

We had it so great! But now its over. Never to be the same again and gosh dang it I wish it would. I gave him my whole heart and soul and it's his to keep.

This is so wrong! How can such an infinite and pure love not be meant to be? How is it that we were not good enough for the other? How is that possible? Turns out it is possible. I get so angry because it is only one reason we are not meant to be. That's it, just one. Despite that though, Adam was so right for me in every other way! I feel that if I can't have him, I can't be with anyone else. I don't want anyone else, I just want him. I would wait a lifetime to be his once again. I tell myself lies like he doesn't want me, he's moved on, he didn't really love me, it was all an act, it was all a lie, he never cared about me, to him I am dead, etc. I hope that by telling myself these horrible lies, will help me get over him and move on. But truth be told, it doesn't help and I never will stop loving Adam LaManticheli!!! Nor do I want to!


Adam, I'm so eternally sorry that I hurt you, my pumpkin and my love!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4y-RzVGrHg&ob=av2n

No Regrets Sunset

We are always taught to live with no regrets but that is usually much easier said than done.

I try hard not to live with regrets. I take and accept things as they happen and try to learn from it. Past relationships and friendships, I admit, I regret some. I can honestly say thought that my past relationship, I have no regrets. People would tell me how wrong we were for each other. They would say that I would regret being with him. But I never did and I never will.

We were as different as night and day! I learned that even as different night and day is, when they come together, they make the most gorgeous sunrises and sunsets!

No Beat No More

Have you ever been so heartbroken that you became heartless?

Never would I have guessed it possible, but it is.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks, but this; this was far beyond I could imagine!

They say we need sorrow to feel joy.

I had the opposite. I had the most joyous relationship, followed by the most sorrow I knew.

For the last four months since it ended. I have had no heart beat.

O how fast is would beat when he would look at me with those so soft loving light brown eyes! One touch and my heart would dance! The whole time I was with him, my heart would beat so fast I was sure that it would dance right outta me! But since it ended, I have no beat no more.

I try to feel it; I put my hand on my chest hoping to feel the thump thump. But I feel nothing.

Without this man, I have become listless and life has left my eyes.

After such a soul mate’s love, that wasn’t meant to be, I wonder, how will I feel again? Will my heart beat again? How can I ever love again?

I try so hard to listen in silence for the thump thump it should make, but all I hear is the silence.

A Soul Mates Love

One day you will find a love that you didn’t know even existed. You make each other a better person. You grow together, for the better. You will float on air when you see them or hear them. You get so excited to talk to then, even if it’s only been 5 minutes since you last spoke! You wake up happy because you are his or hers and they love you more than anything in this world or the world to come! One look from them and you can see into their very soul. You fall asleep with a smile on your face as you dream of them. They are someone who makes you laugh and laugh so hard that you pee yourself! You can’t be angry with them for more than a minute because things that you usually would be angry about seem not to matter anymore. So instead of being angry, you laugh about it. Nothing about them bugs you, except something silly that really does not matter, like the way they write their signature. But really, who cares about that? You walk together in unison. You give them your heart and your soul and you never ask for it back because you don’t want it back. It’s a precious gift you give. Life starts to feel like a magical dream and you never want to wake up! They understand you like no one else has. You accept the other exactly how they are because to you, they are perfect! You have never been so full of joy and you say, this is a soul mates love!

I said that once. I had the most perfect love with the most perfect man for me. Granted, he had his flaws, but he was so perfect for me in so many ways. He was nothing short of completely amazing! I still am so much in love with this man! I love, adore and admire him! I wake up and say his name. I think of him all day. I fall asleep saying his name. I dream of him all night. Then, the cycle starts all over again…

People who saw us together for even 5 minutes would tell us that we were soul mates. Co-workers, friends, strangers all alike. Whenever we are at a restaurant, the waitresses would make comments too. There was this one waitress that told us that she loved watching us all night long. She said that you could see the love we had for each other and it was so thick that you could cut it with a knife! It was common for people to make such remarks; that you could see our love! I loved it! I was lucky, not only could I see our love; I could feel it so strongly! I love(d) this man more than anything! He is the only one that tore down the wall that I had protecting my heart and really knows the most real and pure me! One look from him and I saw and felt how strongly he loved me!

This, this was real true love! So were we soul mates? I believed we were!

A soul mate is the person you are supposed to and want to spend the rest of your life with!

We never could, or would. Saying “I do” was not an option for us. At the end of the day we wanted too different things from life and we couldn’t come up with a way to make it work. It didn’t help either that I was going out of the country for several months for family reasons. The end is quite sad because he decided he could not, or didn’t want to wait for me to return. In his eyes, I was always planning on leaving and he felt then, that he didn’t matter to me. But he could never have been more wrong! He became a bigger part of me. He came to be my heart and soul. I was crushed beyond the bone when we ‘parted ways’. I felt my heart shatter into dust and saw the dust fly away in the wind. My soul had been ripped out of my very body, possible lost forever. He had felt the same way though. I, without knowing, ripped out his heart and soul long before we ‘parted ways’. The moment I bought my ticket without talking to him first, was when his soul had been ripped.

Despite everything though, we had become one! We were strong! We had such a perfect love! A soul mates love! So now I ask, how can you have a soul mate’s love, and not be meant to be??? =’[