First Time I Felt Cruel....

I have 3 of my cousins visiting from America. The little one is 4 years old and his name is Grant. But every time I look at Grant, I see Dustin!

Dustin is from my childhood. I had moved to Gibbs Elementary when I was in 5th grade. Dustin wasn't in my class, his brother was, but I had met him during recess or something I'm assuming. The moment Dustin saw me, he was in love.
I was not.
I still liked Cory Lynn from my old school.
My little brother and I had a meeting point after school where we would wait for our older brother to come and walk with us home. I was usual out first and our older brother was usually there when we go out. On the last day of school, my older brother was not there yet and my little brother was already at the meeting point. At the meeting point as well, was Dustin. He was talking to my little brother having a laugh with him. Watching Dustin being so kind to my little brother, my feelings for him changed. I decided that he wasn't a bad boy (I heard he was) and I started liking him.
But it was summer, I would not see him for about 3 months.
I was shocked for how often I thought of him during that summer. I claimed I never liked him, but I guess that changed. I would take the year book and just stare at Dustin's photo.
Finally school started and I would see Dustin! =]
But then something happened, not long into the school year, I didn't like him anymore. I think it was bc he was being suspended about every other week. I decided that actually, he was a bad boy, and I don't like bad boys!
He's feelings for me didn't change though. He still loved me. I would hear rumors that him and his brother would get in fist fights over me. I would just roll my eyes- neither would have me! What then was the point to the fight??
Dustin was the first boy to give me a love letter! He would write me one just about every day.
Lots of boys were giving me love letters when Dustin was giving them to me as well, but all the other boys would either leave it on my desk, in my locker, or get a friend to give it to me. I then admired Dustin for personally handing me a love letter every day. I learned that it took guts. In 6th grade, I loved getting the letters from him, even though I would always deny it. It was more than just letters too. Dustin was an amazing artist and he would dram me pictures. I loved those! I remember this one he did that was Bugs Bunny and the girl bunny- whatever her name is. They were looking at each other and there were hearts in between them. it was my favorite drawing that he drew for me!
By the time 7th grade came, I didn't like Dustin whatsoever. I no longer liked getting the love letters. There were rumors all the time that we were dating, were an item, and there were even rumors that we had lost our virginity with each other in the bathroom at school and that we had wild crazy sex all the time!!! That couldn't have been farther from the truth!!!!! I am a Latter Day Saint who not only doesn't believe in sex before marriage, we don't even believe in dating till 16!! Dustin and I were 13! Thats just gross!
I heard that Dustin was the one who was saying all of these things. I confronted him about it. He told me it wasn't him, but I was never sure. Lots of people liked Dustin and without fail, every day some one would ask me if I was his girlfriend and every day I had so no! It was a no, No, NO!!!!!!!!!!
But still, about every day, he would hand me a love letter either before school started or after school when we were waiting for the bus.
I did not like the letters.
I told him not to write me- I didn't want them- I didn't like him- I didn't want him!
Weeks and weeks would go by and I still got the letters.
One day I got so angry when he tried to give me a love letter. I had say no for goodness sake! So to prove a point, I ripped up the letter then threw it in his face! I just stared at him when he looked at the love letter fall to the floor. He looked up and I can almost swear that his eyes were wet. I had never before seen such a hurt and sad face. A face that I had caused.
It was the first time I felt cruel.....
I still got love letters from him, he still drew for me, but it wasn't as often.
I didn't know if I was happy or sad about it.
Summer before 8th grade I moved. I couldn't apologise.

For years, this had bugged me. I was cruel and I'm never cruel. I was mean and I'm never mean. I had done wrong.
I tried to find him for years to apologise, but it turned out that he also moved and no one knew where.
Myspace came out. I hoped and prayed that he had one. Ever couple of months I would try to find a Dustin Engle. Turns out there were a lot more of them than I thought!!!
Facebook came out- I would try this as well. Every couple of months, I would try to find him. I had to say sorry!!! I tried to find his brother as well. If I could find his brother, I would find him!
Failure is the word to use. I never found him. I was sad. I was remorseful. I had to say sorry!
Then one day out of the blue, after I had given up finding him, I got a friend request- it was Dustin!!!!!!
He didn't hate me! We actually spoke on the phone a couple of times and we email here and there nowadays. We are friends. How happy I am that he found me, when I was looking for him for all those years.

When I look at Grant, I see Dustin. By seeing Dustin, I have been walking through memory lane a lot. Three years, if not more, Dustin loved me. Three years I was not nice to him- only God knows why he loved me the way he did. I did not deserve his love. Today I can't get Dustin's face out of my head. The face he did when I ripped up the letter. The first time I felt cruel. I am so sorry Dustin. No one deserves being hurt like that!

(my favorite pic of Dustin)